Bonk

What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? Tiger woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards. Just something I saw on the big screen at Eddie Izzard on Friday night. Which was fantabulous by the way. So much better live with the atmosphere of the crowd. Some of the highlights I can remember:

Terms and conditions: Everyone signs them, no one has ever read them. You could be agreeing to anything.

Bonk: Scrabble, a game invented by Nazis to make fun of people with Dyslexia. Dyslexia, a word created by Nazis to make fun of people who can't spell. Bonk is Eddies suggestion for what it should be called. 'Miss, I can't do this, I have Bonk. Very well, entertain your self with the sponges'

Stone age: How did men hunt without tools? Eddie mimes a guy hunting a buffalo who trips on a stone and gets an idea. 'Hey Steve! Check this out. What? (Hits him with rock.)'

Latin: Not just a dead language, a silly one. 5 ways of saying one word. a 10 second English conversation takes 10 minutes in Latin.

Ark: Noah 'OK, 2 tigers, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 mice, 2 rats. Hey Steve, what have we got so far?' Steve 'Uh, 2 tigers.' That is why all the pictures show a lion and tiger with big grins.

Stromatolites: 2 billion years of rocks with organic content. God must have been wasted.

10 commandments: Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ox. Typo, should have been cover. Hey wheres my ox? and whats your duvet doing out here? Also, why 10? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you pretty much covers it. Don't kill, don't steal, it's built in.

spartan sheep: Spartan men went GRR! and women went grr! and dogs went WOOF! and cats went MIAOW! and the sheep were silent! and snuck up on wolves and shore themselves with rusty blades to show they had no fear. So the wolves stole their clothes. True story. The battle of Thermopylae was immortalised by the movie 'The good ship lollipop' Starring Shirley Temple, although most links to the battle were removed in editing.

Dark side of the moon: The Americans must have landed on the moon as the Russians were first to do everything else and wouldn't have let them get away with it. And if there was a god surely he would have done something when we got from the blue ball to the grey one. Welcome, come to the dark side of the moon, sit with Darth Vader, Pink Floyd, and the giant squid that held back the Red sea for Moses.

All much funnier in the show however.

Coming up to the end of my stint at Boysstuff, but at the moment working 7 days a week which isn't fun but should mean some decent money for Christmas. I have 2 interviews next week so fingers crossed I get a place at one of them. Also I have noticed that the English weather isn't as bad as its made out. I think the English just like complaining. Speaking of the English, I also discovered why employers here like hiring Kiwis. British work ethic is rubbish.

This is giant squid of the starship Nostromo, signing off.

There's no meat in this pie...

Hmm, nearly a month since I last updated. Okay, starting at the beginning. Halloween was fun, I was pretty drunk though. Drinking Whiskey out of a stein and thought it would be a good idea to have it on the rocks. It wasn't. I saw some pretty cool costumes, some lame ones, and lots of guys as superheroes with padded muscles. Also, I somehow managed to lose my Solomons armband. This caused me a great deal of confusion as I would of had to have taken it off to lose it. Unfortunately the amount I drank meant I had little chance of figuring that mystery out. Still, a good start to the month nonetheless.

Didn't do Guy Fawkes's this year. Didn't need to, the week surrounding it the sky around my place was light up regularly. Don't really know why people waited so late for though. Sure back home we do but thats because it doesn't get dark for us until after ten. I also figured out what the UFO I saw earlier in the year was. It was a flying lantern like we sell at work. I saw lots about that week.

In biking to work I see many morons about. Mothers who have their kids strung out across the pavement, cars giving way to pedestrians in dangerous situations. Oh, and people parking across the flow of traffic. Can not believe this isn't illegal here. I see cars crossing the main road at rush hour to park on the other side. Morons. Also, Winter is showing itself. The sun stays low and it doesn't get very warm. Already wearing my ski mask, pretty soon I will be wearing my snow gloves.

This last week I did an experiment with my Skins compression top and longs. Previously I had been wearing them to the gym and when running. Very handy for keeping warm and dry. This week I wore them pretty much all the time and discovered they still smelled good. Definitely a good piece of kit. I was wearing them under my gym gear at the gym, lots of people mistaking them for tattoos. Come people, it's digicam. Who would get that as a full-body tattoo.

I am still not enjoying being poor. I haven't really been out since Halloween. Far less than I did as a teacher. And there are very few if any teaching jobs nearby which really sucks. Hopefully some people quit before Christmas. Speaking of, I am actually looking forward to Christmas like I haven't done since I was a kid. I guess it is because here it is the Christmas of TV, with the winter, the food, the decorations, etc. Hopefully I also have a bit of money then so I can enjoy it. Oh, but what is the deal with mincemeat pies? I had one the other day expecting a tasty savory treat. Oh no, these are sweet fruity things. My co-workers had a good laugh at my expense over that. What I have been enjoying recently is the Nintendo Wii. I hooked up my flatmate's' one a week or two a go. I only have Wii sports but it is still a lot of fun. Although I am not impressed when it tells me my Wii fitness age is 52. Stupid golf game.

This Friday I get to tick of another of my 100 list. Eddie Izzard live at Wembley Stadium. My seat isn't fantastic but it should still be a funny show. Going to top it off with a night out on the town. The usual game, have some drinks, meet some people, tell some stories, see what happens.

Attend the tale...

So two weeks or some ago I attended the St Albans Operatic Society's production of Sweeney Todd. Mainly because my neighbour was in it, partly because I ad not seen the film yet. To be honest, it was pretty damn good. Very well played and produced, I was pleasantly surprised by this local production.The story itself was very clever and well written too, credit to whoever did that.

I have started my new job at www.boysstuff.com. It is not very mentally stimulating but I work with amusing people and the work isn't too hard, although there are a few occasions of heavy lifting, usually delegated to me since I am the machine of the warehouse. I have also become aware of the fact that although I am not the warehouse manager, I often find myself giving orders and directions. I guess old habits die hard. I mean, commander then teacher, hard to adjust to being a drone. Still, its just until Christmas. Then hopefully I should be in a teaching post. Oh, BTW, use the code BOYSSTUFF09 to get a 10% discount at the website.

I was going to rant about Britons and their littering habits, the stupidity and obstinacy of their politicians and the flaws of people in general, but I am drunk and happy so no time for that. New stories to come including the new hollow earth expedition stories (RPG)

The Odyssey Adventure

My first experience with role playing games, more or less how it went, at least as far as I can remember. However the ending has been altered to how I wanted it to go.

DARIEN JAMES PARKER

d.o.b. 6/6/1980

Mitte, East Berlin

5 ft 8 inches, 75kg, short black hair

scars over both eyes, bionic right forearm, wolf tattoo right shoulder

Odyssey mission, 2015, 5 days out of Earth orbit, beyond the Moon.

The comms array has caught fire and nearly killed our comms officer. The chief engineer and myself went to investigate and managed to pull her from the compartment and seal it, however I did not get off unscathed. While I'm recovering from injuries sustained during the comms array incident, I might as well get down how I arrived at this point. No doubt the people back home will want to know all about us if we succeed, and if we don't. well it really won't matter anymore. Right, starting at the beginning.

My parents (a soldier & a nurse) were killed smuggling me across the Berlin wall in 1984. I lived in various orphanage's in West Berlin until 1988, then I was taken in by German mob boss and groomed to be a contact in the army as an supply officer. I attended the best schools in West Germany and excelled in science. However I disagreed with the boss and ran away to join the Luftwaffe, 31^st fighter-bomber wing in 1996 (I lied about my age to get in). I left the combat wing in 1999 after an incident involving the bombing of an unmarked aid convoy under false intelligence in Kosovo. Afterwards I became test pilot. I was captured in 2000 by the mob boss who brought me up and tortured (where I received the scars on my eyes and nearly lost my vision, but i was rescued by KSK (German special forces), 1 platoon, just in time. After recovering at the est military hospitals I Joined KSK, 5 platoon in 2000 as a sniper. I advanced rapidly in the role, despite y injuries, serving in Afghanistan from 2001-2004. In 2004 I was seconded to the Global Defense Initiative. A newly established covert, multinational group specialising in protecting Earth from space-born threats. Here I specialised in spacecraft security and vacuum-capable weapons & combat. Upon hearing about it I immediately volunteered for the Odyssey project and was accepted as security officer due to my experience in space, adaptation to isolation, and lack of family ties on Earth.

The Odyssey project is a new spaceship design specifically to head out past Mars to intercept three asteroids that are on a collision course with Earth. They have been named the Gorgon

sisters, Medusa, Stheno and Euryale. This is a truly international mission, crewed from around the world and with the fate of the Earth in our hands. Midway through training for the mission I lost my right arm at the shoulder when it got caught in one of the rotating hatches of the spine of the ship. This is the reason we now have the hatches within the spine. I briefly returned to GDI to be fitted with a bionic arm to allow me to complete the mission. This not only increases my strength but also has some special features that may come in handy.

Now there is nothing to do but wait the 3 weeks it will take to recover from my injures, exposure to a vacuum unprotected is never a good experience. Still, plenty of time to think, and right now I am thinking about the comms array. On review of the ships schematics, there is no combustible material in that compartment. This makes me think that the damage may have been caused by sabotage. But who would want to stop the Odyssey? Only 2 groups I can think of; Doomsday cults like Aum Shinrikyo who wish to destroy the world, or extreme eco-terrorist groups like the Earth Liberation Front, who figure the Earth will recover from the impact, Humans will not. It would be prudent to check the crew records for any links to organisations such as those mentioned. Also psych profiles and religious backgrounds may show something. I know this sort of thing should have been picked up before selection, but you never know, GDI can go deeper into the system than others. Another thing, I need to talk to engineering about the magneto-shield thing. I have a cunning idea if we can modify it.

Now I am no astronomer, but there is something about these asteroids that has been bugging me. Three asteroids all on basically the same trajectory. What could have caused this to happen? Even if they were originally one and broke apart due to an impact, it seems unlikely they would all be moving in the same direction.

I came out of the recuperation chamber to discover the ship in chaos. It seems the crew suspected me of being an Islamic terrorist, a corpse in an overpowered thermal camouflage suit had been shooting up the place, and one of the smaller asteroids was producing a signal identical to Cape Canaveral. Oh, and the ship went through a wormhole and suddenly we are in orbit around the asteroids. I easily managed to convince the crew I was not a terrorist, just fascinated by religion. As for the corpse, it was unidentifiable. Also, the comms specialist, who was currently in a coma, started speaking in Latin intermittently.

Given that we could not find the captain, myself, the ship geologist , and the chief engineer took the shuttle Atlantis down to the asteroid producing the signal. Upon landing we discovered a metallic looking bug about 8 feet long. The geologist called out to it in Latin. Bad idea, it immediately advanced aggressively. Luckily I had brought along the rail gun and dropped it with a shot through the head. We entered what looked like a Greek temple and went down a level to discover a huge chamber to discover a massive humanoid being with wings and extensive injuries to its abdomen chained to the ceiling. suddenly the geologist went into a trance and relayed to us that this being was the titan Prometheus. Apparently Earth was supposed to be a planet specifically for the bugs and was closer to the sun. However, the titans disrupted this by pushing a smaller planet, Theia, into the infant Earth. This pushed Earth out of its original orbit and into one better suited for mammals. However the bugs were not happy with this, which is where the asteroids come in. They are designed to push the Earth back into its original orbit. Prometheus instructed us that if we relieved his torment he would help us avoid this catastrophe. So we planted a nuke with the being and beat a hasty retreat back to the Odyssey.

We docked and rested for a spell, only to discover the captain and assistant engineer had vanished along with 4 nukes and the shuttle. The remaining crew gathered in the in the mess hall to decide what we should do. However as soon as we were all gathered something strange happened. We all started to manifest different abilities and attributes. The engineers eyes caught ablaze and he discovered he could throw fireballs, the pilot turned red and discovered he could become 4 separate entities, the geologist started to manipulate gravity and rock. As for myself, my bionic arm became liquid metal, I could turn my entire body into metal, grow to 8 feet and fly through space ridiculously fast.

Unfortunately it appeared the bugs were aware of this as a group of about 50 flew out to the ship to attack us. I managed to rip the head of one and use the two pieces to take out some more, the engineer used fireballs and the group managed to dissuade them from attacking the ship. while the attack was going on the remaining crew discovered that 3 of the missing nukes had been planted around the ship and the engines disabled. With some creative engineering and quick thinking we managed to disarm the nukes and repair the ship. We then followed the shuttles trajectory to the largest of the asteroids. The geologist created a gravity bubble and we transported down to it. Upon landing we discovered the remains of the shuttle. Well that's what we though until the shuttle stood up! It resembled a giant transformer, albeit a rather clumsy one. With the help of the others I managed to rip into its chest and threw its core into space. Turns out the core contained the assistant engineer who had the ability to control technology. He had also left an armed nuke with the shuttle which also threw into space. We attempted to infiltrate the asteroid but after killing a different species of bug they got annoyed and the magnetic shield technician teleported us out of there.

The remaining crew gathered on the bridge and we decided on a rather radical solution to the asteroid and bug problem. given our combined powers we could create a micro singularity within the asteroids for a few microseconds which should be enough to crush the asteroids. First, the geologist created a gravity well in the centre of the field. Then the magnetic shield technician reinforced this with a magnetic well. Then we dumped all the nukes and the engine cores into this and finally the engineer cast a huge fireball into the mix, igniting it all. To top it off the astrophysicist manipulated time to compress all of this energy into a micro black hole that engulfed all of the asteroids and very nearly the ship. Luckily all the bugs were destroyed and we very narrowly survived, however, without engines it would take a long time before we reach Earth again. So much for being home in time for Christmas. Still, we were now heroes, which is something to look forward to when we get out of stasis.

Combat the leaves

I finally have a job. Its not great pay but it will pay the bills. I am now a warehouse operative for Boysstuff.co.uk. An online store that sells gadgets, RC toys, etc. My job is to pack the products into boxes to be shipped off. Its not teaching but it is local. Plus I can now focus on January for a teaching post closer to home.

The last two weeks have been pretty average. Hard to get up to much with no income. I have managed to walk nearly everywhere in St Albans, so last Saturday I went for a bike ride out to Symondshyde woods. After nearly getting run over a half dozen times on the narrow roads, I wandered into the woods and sat down to have my lunch. In a break between planes flying overhead I listened for a bit and beneath the sounds of birds and insects there was a dull roar of the city six km away. So it looks like I will have to go even further for some peace and quiet.


This weekend was pretty busy for me. My flatmate's leaving party on Friday. He is in Germany for the rest of the year so I have the apartment to myself which is a mixed blessing. But I still haven't gotten into this slow drinking thing, maybe I need more practice. Saturday night I went into London to Meet up with Bob and Jodi. After spending an hour and a half playing trains (not a fun game, especially when lines are closed) I got to Putney and we went to Wagamama for dinner. Good thing I had recently read about how to eat with chopsticks. Although rice is still difficult, so I improvised and made a spoon type device with the chopsticks. Then we went to a cheap bar and had some ale with weird names. While I was playing trains to get home I got talking to two couples from New Zealand, seems we are everywhere, particularly in West London.

Combat the leaves. This was the sign at the train station. It was explaining about how the autumn causes the leaves to fall on the tracks that can cause delays are the trains slip on them and cant accelerate and break as well. However I found it hilarious how the Rail department were waging war against leaves. I was drunk at the time.

Dublin drunkenness

A drunken weekend in Dublin, how could it not be fun? My journey began Friday afternoon at Luton airport again, it took ten minutes to get from entrance to gate, then half an hour to get on the plane. Pretty uneventful flight, although it was interesting to see the difference between England and Ireland from the air. They are both patchworks of fields with hedges separating them, but Ireland is much greener and less uniform. Ireland managed to put on a great weekend for me too. Had to walk a mile to get to the terminal in Dublin though. Then I met Bob and caught the bus into Dublin City University, where he was staying in a pretty flash apartment in student accommodation. Had a reasonably quiet night as had to get up early for paintball, but we still managed to get denied entry to a pub as we were apparently too drunk. Seriously? not admitted to an Irish pub for being drunk? That's like, something you just don't expect to happen.

Saturday morning saw us travelling South to Kilruddery house near Bray to play paintball. 27 Euro for a days paintball they say. Yeah, right. More like 100. Still, 6 different arenas with full helmets, overalls, etc. Me and Bob were there with a Dublin Aussie rules team that include two Aussies, so a real UN style team. Went through several hundred rounds and wound up with a few bruises. We followed this up with a night out on the Guinness. It really does taste better in Ireland. We started off at a really tourist-oriented Irish pub called O'Donoghue's, with a fiddle band, Irish grub, even some Irish dancing. we then attempted to get into Flannery's, however the queue was around 100m long. So we went down the street to DTwo, as there was no queue. This we thought was a rather small place. Turns out it had around 7 bars, a huge covered garden, and ended up with a huge crowd. We stayed here until closing at 4am, caught a taxi back to DCU and got there at 5am.

Sunday was sightseeing day, well, half-day since I slept til noon. It was All-Ireland Gaelic Footy final day as well so town was full of red and green supporters of Kerry and Cork. Saw around five of the top 10 sights including Trinity college, Temple bar, Christ Church Cathedral, Dublin Castle, and the Guinness storehouse. Dublin doesn't have many tall buildings, from the Gravity bar at the top of the Guinness storehouse you can see from swerve of shore to bend of bay (James Joyce, was on the window). The storehouse is quite interesting, particularly the cooperage exhibit. This shows the history of cask-making in Dublin. Amazing how they make those things. We then went to a pub near the stadium and caught the end of the match. Once again, packed full of supporters. I had an early night Sunday as I had an early flight. I managed to get stuck behind Eastern Europeans who had trouble with visas for 15 mins, so wasn't exactly early to the gate. Still, got home alright. Ireland is on the list for a rerun, however I think I will see more than Dublin next time.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=146281&id=667668063&l=1a9ad9899b

The Devils hands are idle playthings

So back from holiday for nearly a month now and the weather here s definitely taking a downturn. Still, cannot be too upset, had a fantastic summer after all.

Unemployment kinda sucks. I mean sure, I have a lot of time on my hands, but how much time to I really need? Even when I was working I managed to get idle and watch reruns and documentary's about things I had no interest in. Still, I haven't been entirely idle. Signed up to 2 employment agencies and another teacher recruitment agency. Even joined some of those paid survey websites to try and make a few extra bucks. The extra free time has also given me a chance to really explore St Albans. You see quite a lot going for a walk on a week day morning. I have even done some long circuits, 12km the other week.

Off to Dublin this weekend to see Bob. Yeah I know, shouldn't be spending money when I don't have any coming in but how often do I get to see one of the crew from home? Not enough these days it seems anyway. It should be a lot of fun, and hopefully I will have some work to come back to. The teaching vacancies have been increasing daily it seems.